Distorted Glitter

 

Saturday, December 31, 2005
It’s the last day of the year. =( this year has been a terrible one. =( far too many things had happened. =( but let me rant something…

Life suddenly seems meaningless. I wish I could go back to those innocent times where the path is already set for me. I’m totally lost in the forest now. Far too many paths to go and the paths are always rough and humpy. =( I really thought that life should just end now at 16 or 17 coz the future is just unbearable. Maybe it’s just my character. I’m far too blessed in the family I’m in now. Way too blessed and fortunate. Maybe I should just go through something painful, something like stricken by some cancer or fatal disease. Maybe that way I will know what to fight for, the fighting spirit that most people I know have deeply. Or maybe I’m just too lazy to do anything, for I thought that whatever I do, it’s always wrong. So what is right? I don’t understand at all. And I also thought, why did I learn piano? This year has taught me the weaknesses I have. And the biggest one is that my talent has reached to the brim. Why? maybe coz I’ve always been guided all through these 17 years. And maybe coz I’m too self-conscious. Suddenly the freedom of choice has left me lost in some place. The future I see now is completely zero. Unlike the time during crescent where I had a something to look forward to, mainly to study real hard to get into rj. But now, I’ve totally lost all motivation to do anything. I’m scared. I feel useless. The last time I cried real hard was during sec 2. And I can’t remember whether I set a target or anything. Maybe I did coz I always wanted to get into the best class for the first time. And it was truly the best class I’ve been to, where I met a real bunch of close friends =) But now it’s different. It’s the talent thing. What 方老師 said yesterday kept flashing through my mind. ‘慧敏啊，你就是没有那样的特点。育教授也曾经跟我提过。他说若他收学生的话，他会选malisa…..’ And that made me feel useless. Sometimes I wished I didn’t get to know piano. Then I wouldn’t know this miserable talent thing. Although life would change if it truly happens, I probably wouldn’t be smart. That doesn’t mean that if you don’t learn the piano you are stupid. I just believe that learning music really does help your brain think and mature. Oh maybe that’s not the case. Coz I have very bad memory. I can’t even remember anything from kindergarten or primary school. Just bits and pieces here and there. Forget about those before kindergarten. Even now I’m so scared of memorizing scores. Sometimes I can just blank out in the middle of the piece, despite following the music. Maybe I just have a small tiny brain that’s too saturated to absorb anything else. Ok back, I meant that even if I didn’t learn piano, I would still get hooked up with anime and manga, and most likely listen to soundtracks, new age, jpop, jrock music and get addicted as well. It just seems to me that if I didn’t learn piano, my life would just be the same apart from the miserable thoughts. I would be ‘ordinary’ like cass. Oh I also thought of how tiny I am on Earth if I were to view myself from space. In that tiny room of mine lays a tiny me. And that significantly shows how things I do makes no difference. oh yes so after that I’ve thought about it. I decided not to apply to any overseas universities. Not a single one of them till at least I finished my A’s. As for yst…I’m still thinking about it whether to try it out first or not. It’s just too rush for me. 3 recommendations, my repertoire (especially my etude and sonata and I think my chopin too) – all within this 3 weeks. I think I’ll just break down. And if I can go overseas, I doubt I’ll even consider yst. What for? Partly I think I don’t want to meet hecht. I always think that he had a bad impression of me. my mom said coz I’m not the noticeable type and seldom get in touch with him. She even said that she’s not in a hurry to send me overseas either, of course considering our financial situation. And I’m really scared that I would regret not taking A’s if I were to get into yst or go overseas. And my mom said, ‘well people usually regret stuff that they can do and yet didn’t complete it. it’s a tendency.’ So I also thought that how I wish someone or anyone, just take me away from here and bring me somewhere where I know no one and start again. bring me to another world. A world where I wouldn’t feel that 做人真难. And I was thinking, I should just stop thinking of going to a uni first and concentrate improving my piano and studies. First of all I would do is to expand my repertoire, get my techniques and learning right, record my repertoire properly and apply for uni properly. My mom even suggested looking for another teacher and see how first. Sigh. I’m not even going to be a concert pianist in the future. I just want a degree for music performance. I’m definitely not the type to be a concert pianist either (after hearing all those comments and I’m so self-conscious too). But the thing is I will definitely work in a music industry. What kind of music? I don’t know yet. =) maybe jrock? Anime? =D haha. But I’m 100% percent sure that I’ll be in the music industry. If not….i’ll go learn jap and drawing skills to be a mangaka assistant. (I always envy them though mangakas always say that they are tortured all the time before the deadline) OR I could just work somewhere nice and simple in the office wherever. Ok I guess that’s it for this year. I suspect there’ll be more of this next year. I guess I’m not the happy-go-lucky person I thought I was earlier haha. And it’s just me to be lazy to do anything to change anything. The biggest weakness out of all.

Yikes an essay!

Went shopping with my mom. Spent too much already huimin!!! And yet you don’t wear them!! Went to hmv to look for novo concertante manila 2nd album. coz soleram is inside!!! Listening to the sample I ripped from the official site and it’s so peaceful. Anyway I can’t find it, shall rip it from zz. I know he has it =p then I went to jap section. HOLY COW. I finally get to see a real gackt cd!! >_< diabolos is sold at 50+ bucks!! love letter and seventh night unplugged are sold at 60+ bucks!! blackstone, metemorphoze and todokanai at 20 though. But they are just singles. And I wonder why arittake no aide is sold at 20+ even though they are singles. Wai wai!!~~ I wanted to buy but I just can’t part with my money. SO!!! Whoever reads this and wants to buy me a present I shall state here. Get me anything related to gackt goods and I want the official ones, not those cheapskate pasar malam types. I want real onesssss……the best is of course videos of his lives (oh this arh, burnt videos also can coz I doubt Singapore even sells gackt’s dvds =( and I wouldn’t go and buy them from auction stalls.) forget burning my his songs. Coz I can always get them online (oops. Please dun kill me) so get me his real albums/singles. =D heard the toykodome live on xmas eve is ultra awesome. Once in the lifetime and he’s not going to perform in tokyodome anymore. It’s too big. I doubt I can go to his lives either. Wait till I’m working man. will he be around by that time? (arh! Don’t kill me again!) so this is one major thing that happened this year. I have like 22 burnt cds of him =) heeeee

Shall just state here what happened
10-17 December competition (if you want to know how I fare, ask me if you dare. Just be prepared for something to happen)
19 December lunch with dearest sam and ann
20 December Beethoven research and bought sho-comi 1st issue!!! So happy I managed to reserve the air shipment one. wai!! more calendar for 2006. hee
22 December toefl. Yikes I wrote down my scores on the scratch paper and gave it back to the centre -_-
24 December mstay’s xmas dinner
26 December chorale xmas party
27 December chorale prac. Finally met some of the new j1s. why all from ri and rg? =(
29 December chorale prac. I’m loving soleram. A LOT. It’s replacing others to be the peaceful, soul-searching piece

I’m scared for my future….

Oh I’ve only done like 3 questions of maths the whole holiday. I’m dead…and I heard about the white slips…holy ****

I must say…I’ll really miss kor and cass. He’s only back for a week!! Why!? just now we had a truly family reunion dinner. it was fun. =) oh I shall just say that being the youngest isn’t very nice at all when you are the girl and you have 2 brothers above you. It’s damn scary. Things will go wrong if you don’t do what they say. But still…I love them! =]

Oh i totally agree with sam regarding the judgement thing. It’s so true. I think we just take it for granted and did not even know the person’s true face. I’m quite petrified now. Can’t stand it. ugh.

Arh..i think I’ll get a new skin for next year…

Happy new year! (seriously hope it’ll be way much better year than 2005. 2005 is just miserable =\)

がんばってね~~！！ Just do it girl!


bashed +++ 11:20 PM